


This week’s news

by Amerna



Series: Information and creepy merchandise [3]
Category: Marvel (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Celebrity culture, Gen, Lots of snark and sass ensue, The Avengers are very aware about the articles written about them, and comment on them
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-23
Updated: 2014-06-23
Packaged: 2018-02-05 22:21:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1834270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amerna/pseuds/Amerna
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>“Anyway, Nat,” Tony said pointing his spoon at her accusingly, “I’m taking away your gym privileges and I’m refusing you entry to the weaponry because Us Weekly said you sided with Cap on this – whatever our beef might be.”</i> </p><p>  <i>“I thought I was evil overlord of the tower controlling everyone here with my feminine wiles? So you better listen to HELLO Magazine!”</i> </p><p>  <i>“You are forgiven,” Bruce stated matter-of-factly, “you are a slave to your hormones since you are carrying Clint's twins. That’s what TMZ says – and they speculate for how much longer you’ll fit into your outfit.”</i></p><p>---------------</p><p>Sunday morning at breakfast is the perfect opportunity to get updated on the latest Avenger news.</p>
            </blockquote>





	This week’s news

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to Fiora for being a prime cheerleader! It’s her fault that I started writing again after more than four years.

“Steve, will you pass me the milk? Oh, wait, sorry, I shouldn’t have asked you! I forgot that we are on the ‘outs’ again and not speaking with each other.”

Clint groaned. “Is this still about the fact that Steve was voted Best Superhero again? Tony, get over it! E!Online says so as well.”

“Oh _please_ , that story is so last month,” Tony said in mock condescension. “You should update your Google alerts. No, Steve and I are feuding – again – because he refuses to name his firstborn after my dad.”

“Firstborn with whom?” Bruce asked.

“Miley Cyrus, Princess what’s-her-name of Denmark, the barista from that coffee shop one block down from the tower, not important”, Steve said. “Fact is that we had a huge fight and destroyed half the tower in the wake of it. There are eyewitness accounts and all.”

“Oh boy,” Natasha said. “I heard the destruction of the tower was more of a lovers’ quarrel the two of you had, since Tony is so jealous of Sam. But now the two of you are golden again. As a matter of fact, you are almost ready to go public and Pepper no longer has to play your beard.”

“I think you are reading the wrong papers, Nat,” Clint said, barely containing his mirth. “I heard that the jealousy was more a professional one since Steve wants to replace Tony with Sam, who is our new favourite flying Avenger.”

“But what about Thor?” Sam asked.

“Thor doesn’t count because it’s the hammer that flies, not the man himself”, Tony explained. “Don’t you read People Magazine?”

“If you did, Sam, you’d knew that are supposedly on record stating ‘Move over, Tony!’ and that you are ready to be the new flying Avenger,” Bruce added.

“Anyway, Nat,” Tony said pointing his spoon at her accusingly, “I’m taking away your gym privileges and I’m refusing you entry to the weaponry because Us Weekly said you sided with Cap on this – whatever our beef might be.”

“I thought I was evil overlord of the tower controlling everyone here with my feminine wiles? So you better listen to HELLO Magazine!”

“You are forgiven,” Bruce stated matter-of-factly, “you are a slave to your hormones since you are carrying Clint’s twins. That’s what TMZ says – and they speculate for how much longer you’ll fit into your outfit.”

“You are cheating on me with him? I am heartbroken!” Bucky said in mock horror, clutching his heart in an overly dramatic fashion.

“Now I’m confused,” Clint said, frowning, “in which magazine was that? I thought I was cheating on Nat with Sam and she was heartbroken because Sam and I were thinking about adopting a child from India? And calling her Birdy? After our favourite singer, too.”

“And I’m not cheating on you, Bucky,” Natasha explained, “because you are still mooning over Steve here, now that you are finally re-united. But you have even more of a problem with your relationship seeing that society was so different when you first met and fell in love and your delicate 40s sensibilities revolt at the thought of being gay.”

“It’s very dramatic, your inner struggle,” Bruce chimed in. “You have to drown your sorrows somehow and now you are addicted to Clint’s tranquilizer darts.”

“But I bet Tony can hook you up with some of the best therapy money can buy?” Sam suggested.

“Ah, but haven’t you heard yet?” Steve answered. “Stark is on the verge of bankruptcy again because we are still being sued about the damage done to New York City during the Chitauri invasion.”

“Are you?” Bruce asked, looking at Tony. “I thought it was alimony payments and hush money for your 38 secret love children, one of which you fathered with a women who now came out as Steve’s granddaughter from that tumultuous affair he had with that secretary in London in 1945.”

“Well, that’s certainly a twist to the normal ‘I’m having the Hulks/Iron Man’s/Captain America’s/Hawkeye’s love child’ we almost have every other day,” Natasha said dryly.

“Nothing on Thor yet?” Steve asked, looking at the Asgardian who was silently munching away is cereal but never participated in the news round-up commentary.

“Nope,” Clint said, shaking his head, “he and Doctor Forster are still flying under the radar.”

“That or the fact that none of the tabloids want to find out how much of a wrathful god the Norse God of Thunder really is,” Bruce suggested.

“That didn’t keep the Westboro Baptist Church from burning copies of both the Prose Edda and the Poetic Edda last week, though,” Natasha pointed out.

“Yeah, some have really embraced the Norse mythology once again, haven’t they?” Bucky inquired.

“You bet,” Tony said, swallowing a mouth full of Lucky Charms, “I think their favourite story is Loki giving birth in the form of a mare to the eight-legged horse Sleipnir.”

“Or him fathering the serpent Jörmungandr,” Bruce added.

“Oh yes, people are especially fond of Loki’s abilities as a shape shifter,” Steve said, rolling his eyes. “These days a lot of conspiracy theories actually boil down to ‘Loki in the form of XYZ did it.’”

“Wasn’t he imitating Lee Harvey Oswald and shot Kennedy?” Sam asked.

“I heard Paul McCartney has been dead for decades and it’s actually Loki as Paul McCartney whenever he appears,” was Bruce’s contribution.

“And centuries before that he used to be Shakespeare,” Clint added in a conspiratorially whisper.

“My favourite conspiracy theory: Steve is actually Loki in disguise,” Tony said.

Steve just shrugged. “Well, not _all_ the time, but it’s comfy. I can have all the benefits of being a superhero, you know, the public affection, the ribbon cutting at official events, the waving to my adoring fans from the pedestal they put me on. But when I just don’t feel like going out and saving the world and risking my life in the process I just let Loki out of my super-secret prison for him here in the tower and he can do the job.”

Natasha actually snorted at this. “That story has so many holes I don’t even know where to start…”

Steve just shrugged again. “That doesn’t keep people from reporting it, though.”

“Hey, did we have any rankings this week?” Tony inquired, changing the topic.

“OK! had Best Butt. Steve won… again. 27th consecutive time, I think,” Bucky provided.

“Clint made the cover of GQ,” Bruce announced.

“Oh, congrats, Clint!” Sam said, clapping him on the back.

“Natasha’s tweet about women in the military made the 10 best celeb quotes of the week at people.com,” Steve added.

“Awesome! That has always been my life’s ambition,” was her dead-pan reaction.

They were silent for a moment.

“Is that Captain America movie still a thing?” Bucky asked.

Steve groaned.

“Variety reported they hired a script doctor,” Clint whispered very loudly.

“Is Michael Bay still attached?” Natasha wanted to know.

Clint nodded.

“Oh, it’s going to be bad”, Sam said, laughing. “If they ever get around to making that movie, do you think we will be invited to the premiere?”

“I bet,” Tony said. “And I bet they are going to ask Cap here if he wants to do a cameo of some sort. He could be that guy who gets one line to say and then dies in a heroic fashion.”

“Or maybe not because it could traumatize generations to come seeing their favourite superhero die again – no matter how fictional it might be,” Natasha said.

“Good point,” Tony conceded.

“He could just put on his military uniform and be strong and stern and silent in the background somewhere,” Clint suggested.

“If they go for the origin story he could be one of the doctors at project rebirth. That would be so meta,” Sam said.

“What about one of the bullies that skinny Steve fought with?” Bruce added. “That would be even more meta.”

“I’d rather prefer him to be-” Bucky started.

“Guys, are we really planning my non-existent cameo in a multi-million dollar action movie?” Steve interrupted.

“God, we have too much time on our hands,” Bruce said.

“We haven’t been called to assemble once in the last two weeks,” Natasha complained.

“I know!” Tony said. “What are all the evil villains and their minions up to these days? We need a bad guy!”

“So very badly.”

**Author's Note:**

> There’s a reason Thor is so silent in this: It’s not the first time these conversations have happened and once he got the hang of celebrity culture he was just like "Midgardians are weird" and as much as I like him: he refuses to participate.


End file.
